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The Promise of Forever... [entries|friends|calendar]

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[31 Mar 2006|05:48pm]
[ mood | drained ]

wow. im so fed up with everything.

the most important person in my life likes my best friend more than me.
she cant decide who to cut off? like its a hard decision? she thinks she has a real friendship.
thats what i thought too, hes a fake. hes not as cool as he seems. he has a differnt mask for every person he meets. i dont know what makes me more upset, the fact that he did this to me, or the fact that i let it happen to me again. i got tricked again, i thought i had a best friend. i thought i had a girl that was with me through anything. this entire situation has a strange effect on me...im not angry anymore, i would say im releived. im glad i realized both of there true colors. she said i meant more to her, i could care less at this point. if she doesnt want to talk to me anymore because she cant be friends with both of us, IM FINE WITH IT, they can keep eachother.

im sick of playing this stupid game, im done with all the fake people in my life. nothing i say is ever right, im always acting crazy, im always being an idiot. im just gonna start cutting those people out like they dont exist. im sick of being taken advantage of by the people i love the most. he know exactly how i feel about the entire thing, yet he continues talking to her. i dont even care about my friendship with him, its steph i care about. shes a big girl, she can make up her mind. but i cant believe its taking her this long. and i know hes not a real friend, if he cared he would call to see what im up too, or maybe ask me why ive been mad and why ive been blowing him off the last few days. i love how he acts like nothings wrong just so he can avoid tense conversation. hes too much of a pussy to deal with heated issues face to face, but he can talk shit behind a computer screen. fuck him, hes not worth my effort.

and to top this entire situation off, my grandmother just went into the hospital. wonderful.
this is a day i've been dreading for the last 17 years of my life? WHY NOW?
because my lifes good like that. it has a habbit of kicking me when im already on the ground.
for some reason when things are bad, there BAD. even when i think i've hit rock bottom, i go even lower, burrying myself in shit that could have been prevented. as if things arent bad enough.

i dont care about spelling or grammar, im not even re-reading this.
i could care less if anybody even reads the things i write, i doubt they do anyways.
im such an asshole, lol, im just sick of everything.

1 broken promise| falling faster

dallas green show. [06 Mar 2006|12:02am]
tonight i went to see dallas green at the harbourfront centre with emily, and a bunch of her friends from school. dallas played the best set i've ever seen, every song was perfect. him and his cousin (on the piano) were cracking jokes and telling stories in between songs. Dallas' entire family was in the row behind mine, his dat sat directly behind me. that blonde girl from much music was in the last seat of my row. somebody told me shes dating dallas?? im not sure, i didnt have the heart to ask his parents, lol. that would have been weird. he was talking to people from the crowd and making it the coolest atmosphere ive ever been in. it was such a small venue, thats why he sold out 5 nights. lol.

i think dallas green is my new obsession, lol.
1 broken promise| falling faster

[23 Feb 2006|03:48pm]
[ mood | upset ]

im so unhappy right now. everything thats happening and everybody around me i just cant stand. im sick of my everyday routine, im sick of hanging out with the same people all the time, and i hate whats happening with steph. i hate the fact that my best friend is happy with me and my girlfriend breaking up, i hate how he gets excited everytime we fight. i hate how steph and him started talking again AFTER we break up, the only reason he talks to her is because were not going out anymore. i tried telling her b4 what kind of guy pj is. she doesnt get it. she thinks were this big group of friends, were not. there my friends and shes just my girlfriend. i hate how everything feels so fake. the worst part about the entire situation is that i cant get out of it. i dont know how to tell these guys that im sick of everything, i mean, there some of the best friends i have, they would do anything for me. but right now i need something different. pj isint as good of a friend as i thought he was, hes lied to my face more than once. i dont think i can fully trust him. he treats steph like shit and thats made me like him a lot less. you should respect your best friends gilfriend weather you like her or not. and you def. shouldnt sit home at night and hope he breaks up with his girlfriend so that we can both be single. i dont like the way he does alot of things, hes still such a kid, thats why i HATTTTE it when people say we look and act the same. we dont. we never did. and we never will. im not anything like pj, the way he does things, and the way he treats people is nothing like how i am. i hate how he uses people to get what he wants. james, courtney, steph, even me. everybody. as long as he gets what he was looking to get, hes happy. i dont like being a part of that. im not gonna be a part of that. the entire bus ride home today made soooo many things clear to me. i didnt say bye to steph because i was pissed at how her and her friends couldnt sit with me and my friends, even tho she asked me if there was room for her in my car b4 i had to bring it home. she would have been sitting with us if i had the car. i guess i see how it is. then as i was walking home pj was so happy i didnt say bye to her, he just had this stupid smile on his face as if he was saying "good job mare". im gonna explode in like 5 minutes, im going to take a nap. i gotta sort evvverything out.

falling faster

[15 Feb 2006|08:42pm]
[ mood | cant begin to explain. ]

and trying to convince each other that everythings going to be ok.
what a day.

falling faster

[14 Feb 2006|08:22pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

fuck valentines day.
your not supposd to cry on valentines day, your not supposed to be miserable.
your definitaly not supposd to get your heart broken. what a rough couple of days.
how can someone try to tell somebody what to feel, or in this case not feel, about somebody?

today coming home from school i felt so many things i havent felt before. so many emotions i didnt even know i had, it was the most bittersweet moment of my life. so happy to be holding the girl i thought i had lost forever, but absolutely broken down over the idea that it might be the last time holding her. well for a long time anyways.

its not natural to be torn form somebody you care about, i dont want to look back on this in 20 years and say "what if...". i want this to end on its own, or grow into something more. If this was just any girl i would cut my losses and get on with my life. but its not just any girl, its somebody that i can honestly see myself with for a long time, if not the rest of my life.

i couldnt even get out of bed these last two days. yestrday i missed first period and today i almost slept trough it again. thing keep getting worse for me...i dont know what to so, im so confused. i have nobody to talk to either...the only person i would talk to about something like this is pj, but he hated the fact me and steph were together in the first place. i hate how he tried to talk to me about what happened with that stupid smile on his face...like hes happy about the entire situation. which i know he is.

falling faster

i havent updated this in like 40 years [24 Jan 2006|11:30pm]
woah. i really have to start updating this more.
maybe tomorrow...right now its bedtime.
2 broken promises| falling faster

[17 Dec 2005|12:54am]
why dosent christmas feel like christmas anymore?
when i was younger i would get so excited when christmas time came around. I would count down the days from like the middle of november. I just checked the calendar and christmas is like 9 days away, it didnt even hit me. Its like christmas is losing that "christmas feeling". At least this year we have snow for christmas. yey.
falling faster

[15 Dec 2005|05:53pm]
i got my computer back :)
about fricken time
falling faster

[26 Sep 2005|01:46pm]
the last few days have been the most amazing ever.
everythings coming around. i hope this lasts.
i hate the way my life is really good for a while, and then all of a sudden things go so bad. everythings perfect. i like this.
1 broken promise| falling faster

[10 Sep 2005|04:43pm]
so i guess thats it.
i think everything just stopped.
i don't know what it was over these past few days that made me feel like i could have a second chance. i feel like an idiot for letting her know how bad i still want her. i left myself open, i was vulnerable. and now at the end of it all i'm completely crushed. i just do it to myself. there was no chance for a second chance, i should have known that. maybe thats why the thought of getting one was so appealing.
i guess this is how it ends.
1 broken promise| falling faster

[08 Sep 2005|07:59pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i think today is the day where i officially stop caring about everything.
theres no way to ever win. i can never come out of things on top. i have this nasty habit of ruining things for myself without even knowing it. how many more times can i fuck things up? how many more times will i "get over her" only to fall for her again when shes right in front of me. i was never really over her. how can you get over something like that. i went the whole summer hoping that mabye there was a chance me and steph could get back together. i cant win in this situation.
she hated the way i acted with her friends.
i cant believe i actually acted like that.
im a jerk.
i think today i just fucked things up for the last time.
i started to smoke weed again and for some reason that changes the person i am.
and for the record you didnt blow anything out of porportion. i dont even know what to say.
the only time she calls me is to tell me how much im disappointing her. i didnt even knew she cared.
she fell in love with me during the days when i smoked weed, and she left me during the days when i didnt smoke. why do things have to be so hard.
im not doing this anymore. i cant go on day to day wondering if she would ever take me back.

why is it that the only thing i want in life is just out of my arms reach.
why is it that everytime i think im almost over her i fall head over heels all over again.

i suck

1 broken promise| falling faster

[21 Aug 2005|01:23am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

well i think i've got it all figured out.
i think i know whats missing in my life. It's a girlfriend.
i miss having one. i miss all the little things, the surprises, the late night phone calls, and all the other great things that go along with it. i need somebody that i can talk to about everything, uggh i miss that. I couldnt quite put my finger on what it was that was making me feel so dull. but this is it.
girlfriends cant just appear when you want them to, well for me they cant. I have to wait until the perfect girl comes along. that can take a while. i dont even know what i want.

1 broken promise| falling faster

[10 Aug 2005|09:53pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Today i walked into the gap in alabama and asked where all the slim fitting jeans are. One of the girls that worked there said to me, "Are you one of those guys that wear girls jeans?". I always have trouble asking people in stores to try on girl jeans, i always feel like there laughing at me when im trying them on. But on this occasion i didnt care. I said, "yeh...i like girl jeans" and she showed me where they were. I thought people in alabama had no idea that guys wear girl jeans...boy was i wrong.

yey for girl jeans

1 broken promise| falling faster

[10 Aug 2005|06:01pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

woo hoo!
I love going on vacation with my grandfather.
He always spoils me with stuff.
He left me $260 U.S. to go shopping with. When i saw the pile of money on my bed i went nuts. My aunt took us to the mall here in Alabama, which turned out to be pretty good. I ended up getting a lot of really cool stuff, and i still have like $120 bucks left. I got shoes, a volcom jogger, pulp fiction, the early november acoustic cd, i got a shirt from the bled, oh oh oh i got a cool shirt that says ALABAMA on it in varsity letters, lol, some new spacers for my ears, and a pair of jeans. I even got a few things for some friends back home.

So ya. Im one happy camper.
One thing im not going to be happy about is the 4am wake up i have tomorrow morning. Meh whatever.

1 broken promise| falling faster

[10 Aug 2005|01:50am]
[ mood | irritated ]

its been a while since i posted an entry.
things have been really crazy over the last few months, it feels like everything is different. Thats probably because everything IS different. I find myself losing touch with a lot of people that i used to be really close with. Why? Im not sure, for some reason i cant keep the same friends around for too long, it's like i outgrow them or something. Its depressing, i cant say that i know anybody thats been with me through everything, all the good times and all the bad. Since the beginning of summer break the only person that i can say I've been talking to everyday is Joe. I've known him since gr. 9 and hes been with me through alot. We even dated the same girl, which must have been hard for him to accept. I remember him telling me how he was starting to fall for her again after they had broken up, and then literally TWO days later i had asked her out. How could he still be friends with me after that? I have no idea. Even as me and steph were dating me and joe would still talk, not as much, but we would talk. I was too cought up in being in love for the first time to notice, but me and joe were growing further apart.
Were still good friends.
Steph on the other hand, well thats an entirely different situation.
Getting over her was one of the hardest things id ever had to do.
When it comes to that subject i feel like screaming, im such an idiot.
I could have prevented the whole situation from getting as bad as it got, but i kept lying to myself. I kept telling myself things were ok. Things sucked. Dont get me wrong, i spent some of the best 7 months of my life with that girl, she helped me turn my entire life around. But the way things ended was rough. It felt like she just woke up one day and stopped caring about me. I know shit like that happens, but you dont have to go on pretending.
I've spent enough sleepless nights wondering "what could have been" and im done with it. She wasnt the same person i started dating in November, she had totally changed.
Its funny, Ive been in Alabama all week and it really helped to get my mind off of her. My minds been in other places, i have alot of things going for me right now that im really excited about, i cant dwell on the past.
woah.. its 2:20am and im rambling on.
Im so far from home but i feel happy here, im away from all the drama, all the crap that i have going on in my life. UGGGH the only person that would have any idea about what i am talking about would be steph. She knows how bad things are between me and my mom and she helped me through it. I think thats what i miss the most, having somebody to talk to when things get rough. I've been talking to Sabrina on the phone over the past few days but we have yet to have a long conversation. I was busy getting ready for the trip. I hope to get to know her better once i get home. Speaking of that... I cant believe i come home on thursday. This week flew by so quickly.

...its 2:30 in the morning, im in alabama, and im starting to think about everything thats been happening to me over the last little while. i think i've just gone completely insane. Or maybe its just that this is the only chance I've really had to just stop and get all my thoughts out.
I dont really even remember what i've been typing about. I dont even care.
Im going to sleep.

i love this new funeral for a friend cd...u were right sabrina, its awesome.

8 broken promises| falling faster

i suck. [14 May 2005|12:53am]
[ mood | cranky ]


The whole night i was looking for something to do.
When i actually found something to do i wanted to be at home.
I really wasn't in the mood to go out tonight, i just wanted to stay in and go on the computer.
Im home now, even though my night sucked.

1 broken promise| falling faster

[12 May 2005|09:57pm]
today was so much fun. I went riding with my friends for like the whole night. This was the first time i had a good long session in about 7 months. I was starting to lose interest in bmx, but recently i've been really into it again. I fell so hard today. Ok, that part sucked.
The rest was awesome.
I noticed im learning something new almost everyday, which is why i fell.
We were riding a bank to picnic table thing, and we were stalling the part that you sit on.
Then i had a crazy idea to stall the actual table part, which is waist height, and hard to hit because of the bench part in front.
So i got enough speed and i tried it. I got on to it, but my foot was down.
So i tried again, i got to it but i was too scared to hop back in, haha im a pussy.
One more go at it, i got into it and i popped out...but i got hooked up on the bench part of the table, over the bars and to my head...literally. I hit my head on the bank, and i scraped up my arm a bit, i was dizzy so i sat down. Like 10 minutes later i tried it again and i got it. It was pretty cool.
I havent fallen like that in a long time.
I really dont think anybody cares about this.
haha whatever.
1 broken promise| falling faster

[12 May 2005|02:18pm]
[ mood | amused ]

We had dress down day at school today.
You know whats funny, i wear tighter jeans then a lot of the girls.
lol...im the greatest.

1 broken promise| falling faster

damn it! [11 May 2005|12:43pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I hate my stupid school.
I got sent home today for the dumbest reason.
I was playing cards in my math class and the stupid foreign teacher decided to be a pick and call the vice principal. Me and my friend adam were in the back of the class minding our own business.
We even had our work done!
When the door opened, it wasn't the vice principal, it was the principal.
Great. Now im at home. This sucks.


1 broken promise| falling faster

[10 May 2005|10:27pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

i ate too much licorice...
my stomach killlllllllls

this is the first time I've eaten after 6 in a lonnng time.
uggh, i feel like crap.

1 broken promise| falling faster

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